OK — I haven’t really fallen OFF the wagon… and I should be happy I’ve lost about 15 lbs in 2 months — but I haven’t been exercising this week because daylight savings time is making feel a bit blah…  It’s a vicious cycle — I can’t get out of bed so I don’t exercise.  I don’t exercise so I eat junk and feel tired.  Need to put a stop to that now…

Today we lit the Shabbat candles at Temple in honor of our 13th wedding anniversary (the anniversary was actually Sept 2 which seems such a long time ago).  I didn’t realize though that 13th was a special Jewish anniversary — our b’nai mitzvah to be exact.  Does that mean that as a couple we are “married adults” — I actually think that happened when Suzanne was born.  It was a nice touch though — since Jame and I didn’t have a Jewish wedding (I wasn’t Jewish when we were married) — the blesssing was a special recognition.

Since we went to Shabbat service - I am actually observing Shabbat — this is one of the places where I have fallen short this year –and not *working* on Shabbat.  I take it very literally — meaning not doing “client” work — writing in this blog is not work.  But because I work from home the lines between work and the other parts of my life are very blurry… I need Shabbat more than most people.

My marriage also needs Shabbat — because I think my husband thinks I love my MacBook more than I love him…

This week’s questions from the rabbi for Elul focus on community.  For me, that is pretty undefined.  My work community is spread across the country (my closest client is 500 miles away).  My day-to-day community revolves around Suzanne — her school, her friends parents — this community overlaps significantly with my Jewish community (since she goes to school at the synagogue!).

The place where I feel that I probably haven’t spent enough time is in the community where I live — in Albuquerque.  Before moving to New Mexico, and starting a virtual business, I worked for local governments and was very, very involved in my community through the Junior Chamber of Commerce.  I think I spent every other weekend at a fair or a festival — manning a booth, etc.

Except for helping out at Suzanne’s school and with the Sisterhood, I am not out in the greater Albuquerque community much — it feels like I actually work in NYC not NM.

But… there is a lot that need to be done, right here, in New Mexico…  One of my goals for this next year is to try to find a way to get there a little and see how I can help.

I guess my generation’s equivalent of “where where you when Kennedy was assasinated?” is where were you on September 11?

I was about 15 miles away, happily at work for Fairfax County Government.  A wall of my workspace was windows — it was a breathtakingly beautiful day.  The sky was blue. When it actually happened in NY — nobody could believe it.  When the second plane hit the Pentagon — we all went into crisis mode.

Children were staying put.  Parents were also told to stay put… very hard to do.  At the time I didn’t have children — but now as a mother — I can’t imagine being somewhere other than with my child during a major disaster.    A few people were stationed at the TV and they wrote out what they had learned on a flip chart that was posted outside the conference room.

By the time, I left… the traffic going back toward DC was sparse. I lived about 2 miles from the Pentagon and although I couldn’t smell the smoke at my house — I could from my friends’ houses.  It was jarring to see tanks in the street…

All we wanted to was help… there were so many people helping that not everyone could keep busy. Those of us without a job — prayed.  We all knew that the world was changed…  Although I often wonder how  it would have gone down differently if we had been able to harness that single moment of almost total unity to make progress… instead of start a war…

I’m back… I’ve been out sick with a cold for the past few days so I haven’t been up for my journal.  Today I wanted to write a little about the power of saying thank you.  I know that this is a time to ask for foregiveness but I think that this time leading up to the high holidays is also a time to make sure that we’ve said all of our thank yous.  As they say, what you appreciate grows in value.

Although I have a slick and easy way to send card -based thank you’s — I think the very best, most meaningful (and hardest) way to say thank is to do it in person.  People are often surprised to find out that they’ve made such an impact on you.  They start to think about who to thank — the ripple effect can be amazing.

So, one of my tasks this Elul is to think about who I want to thank and make sure that I tell them what they mean to me… I think I’m going to start with my mom

The Jewish High Holidays are all about forgiveness.  As a Jew, I’m supposed to have conversations with everyone who I might have offended over the year and ask their forgiveness.  And, they are supposed to forgive…

But… the toughest conversation I’ll have this year is with myself.  In many ways, I am my own worst enemy and harshest crtiic.  If you asked, I could come up with at least 100 things from trivial (I should keep a cleaner house) to life altering (I should take better care of myself or I should be nicer to my Mom) to forgive.  In many ways, forgiveness is getting past the “you should have’s” to something slightly more constructive.

Since forgiveness also means making things right - it is easy to be lazy and just let things simmer internally rather than take the action to get rid of the should haves.  So, here we go, at this moment, I forgive myself all the should haves and I will do better next year…

Today’s question from the Rabbi is when was the last time I could pray without distraction.  Well, the answer to that question depends on how to define prayer.  I think it has been years since I’ve been to services all by myself….and when I go with my daughter — she IS a distraction.  But, I do pray often — but I pray in the way that most working mothers pray.

• I pray for a moment when I see something beautiful outsite
• I pray when I’m exercising
• I thank God when my daughter has a “near miss” (and all kids do)

But, mostly my efforts to make sure my daughter grows up in a happy and peaceful home are my prayers.  If I can help my daughter grow up with a strong sense of herself and God within her — that is the best prayer of all — and probably the best I can do in this age of ADD.

How has my faith been tested this year?  I really can’t say that is has — except for when Peanut passed away.  It was hard for me to grapple with the fact that I didn’t 100% know what was next for him.  Is he flying around in some spirit world — or has he simply vanished.  It is hard to know for for sure.

I suppose the other way my faith has been tested has been when I allow myself to be consumed by either being a mom or being a small business owner.  It is very easy to get sucked into the vortex of everyday life and forget to spend time with God.  I can honestly say that I have not been as good as I could be at observing Shabbat and have felt a little uprooted during the rest of the week because of that.

My faith as been affirmed through finally completing my conversion.  For the first time, I feel very firmly rooted in my faith community.  God is there for me… it is a nice feeling.

Today’s question was — when in the past year did I feel closest to God.   Of course, during my whole conversion journey… especially in the mikveh.  And.. most especially about 20 minutes after the mikveh… my friends say that I was just feeling relief that the whole thing was over — but I think that it really was just a divine moment (which proves they can happen ANYWHERE… even on the freeway.

In my day to day life, I feel closest to God when I am standing on my deck at sunset or when I am out walking or running…or even sometimes on the rare occasions when I make it to services.  Although Jame and Suzanne have soccer this Fall - so I may have more of a chance to go…

Lately, my daughter has been talking about “seeing” God.  She says that you can’t see God because God is love and you can’t see love.  To her 5-year old literal mind, seeing God means literally seeing an old man in a beard or an old woman in a crocheted shawl…

I think you *can* see God — yes, God is love - -but also beauty…  Here is when I see God…

• When my daughter smiles
• Seeing the sunset from my deck (I take time out every night to stand out on my deck each night, and breathe.  I consider it my daily prayer.
• When someone does something very nice to help someone else
• When I look at the flowers and the trees
• When sunlight shines through the clouds.

Of course, this list could go on forever… because God is everywhere, always creating things to delight our sprits…